- Vent
- Ask yourself: what did I learn?
- Ask yourself: for what can I be thankful?
- Say: “I forgive… (and finish sentence).”
- Distract yourself
- Repeat as needed
Reading through this list, it should be clear that forgiving someone is a process that takes time and can require doing things we don’t want to do: “You want me to be thankful?” One of the truths I learned about forgiving is the harsher the offence, the more often we’ll have to go through these steps of forgiving. Forgiving doesn’t erase the hurt; it reduces the power it has over us thereby freeing us from our own pain and resentment; it’s a gift to ourselves. It’s one thing to forgive in the moment, but it’s another thing to completely and wholly forgive an offence. Repeating these steps as needed will eventually lead to this kind of forgiveness, but letting go is rarely a one time shot. Thus, it is important to note that the goal is not “forgive and forget”. This is, in fact, a very foolish idea. We need to “forgive and protect” because we don’t want to set ourselves up for repeated pain. Knowing how to forgive and protect is a challenge, however, especially in the case of infidelity. The question of knowing what “protect” means varies from person to person, relationship to relationship. Some couples will survive and eventually thrive while others are best left broken apart with the healing of forgiveness being the means for letting both parties move on with their lives free of bitterness.
Venting
Venting is a very important phase of forgiving because when we are hurt we typically have a lot of negative energy that needs to be released. Venting can be anything from exercising and playing sports to playing an instrument or painting to journaling to finding a good person in whom to confide. This latter option is fantastic, but it is important that the other person is aware that you want to vent. For one, guys in particular like to problem solve, which is annoying when you want to vent: “Just be quiet and listen.” The second danger is some listeners will take the venting as truth and then hold it against the person in the future. Venting needs to be done to someone who understands that we’re venting because this can include exaggerating, name calling, and saying nasty things about someone who hurt us because we need to get it off our chests; thus, truth is secondary. The most important thing to remember is that you should never vent at the person who has hurt you because this simply leads to a fight and more hurt. Venting is meant to relinquish the negative energy building up in us, which allows us to think more clearly, and eventually approach the offender in a calm state. Doing this is particularly helpful for those who are typically brushed aside for being too emotional since it helps bring them to a more rational state that’s less reactive and more responsive.
Asking yourself: what can I learn?
After being hurt, it is valuable to figure out what you can learn because this prevents you from repeating what you’ve just gone through, and putting yourself in a spot where you get hurt and/or hurting the other person as well. Every experience can teach us a lesson even if it’s compassion.
Asking yourself: for what can I be thankful?
These two questions, the one above and this one, help to put a positive spin on a negative situation; thus, it helps train the person who is hurt to find the positive side to life. In every situation you can find both positive and negative things; where you put your focus is how you will experience life. People who are overall happy look to the positives. In fact, those who are happy people have a knack for finding the positive, which is largely due to being thankful. Thankfulness is the key to contentment, which, in turn, is the key to finding lasting happiness. Until, we can be grateful for who we are and what we have, we’ll always be left wanting and unhappy. Thus, it is important to find things for which we can be thankful.
Say: “I forgive… (and finish sentence).”
There is power in speaking out loud. Saying “I forgive…” gives finality in the moment. This does not have to be the big I’ve completely forgiven, but simply forgiving in the moment. I mention this because I know sometimes people don’t want to completely forgive someone because the hurt was too big, but forgiving in the moment helps eventually lead to this. For instance, I know one couple who tried to make things work after the one partner had an emotional affair, and it would be unfair to expect a one shot “I forgive you.” Instead, it took forgiving in the moment over and over again until things became healthier before he was willing to consider completely forgiving his partner.
Distract yourself
Distracting yourself helps to prevent the negative cycles we get in where our mind keeps replaying the hurt or comes up with ways for revenge, which is very counterproductive… tempting, but counterproductive. If we skip to distracting without venting first, we end up bottling up our pain, which later comes out in an explosion. This is a very dangerous thing to do for both ourselves and those around us. This is often the case for those who don’t want to admit they’re hurt or afraid to show they have an emotional side – I’m not saying men, but let’s be honest, this is a problem for most men. Thus, we need to learn how to properly vent and to go through these steps in order to find the healing we need.
Repeat as needed
Saying “repeat as needed” is the reminder that pain isn’t instantly healed. Like a cut, it takes time to heal. These steps to forgiveness are helpful for healing, but they are not a onetime magic cure. For instance, the hurt that inspired my journey to understand how to forgive took a year of going through a simplified version of these steps – I was missing the positive side, which slowed down the process. I began doing them every day, then eventually every other day, then once a week, then once a month and finally once a year until it didn’t really bother me anymore. Time can either accentuate the pain through bitterness, or it can help extinguish it when we do our part to go through these steps to forgive.
The final thing I should say about forgiving is sometimes the hardest person to forgive is us. It can be easy to want to beat ourselves up for our mistakes, but in the end, mistakes are really just opportunities to learn. Fortunately, the more we do this process, the easier it becomes, and the better we are at seeing that how we experience life is our choice; when it comes to living, we are the CEO, the manager and the person on the floor. It’s your life, how do you want to live it? Holding onto the pain that continues to fester inside of you, or seeing life as a journey that is full of lessons and growing opportunities?